On Interfaith Marriage and Weddings

Over the weekend I spent some time reading Til Faith Do Us Part: How Interfaith Marriage is Transforming America by Naomi Schaefer Riley. This book is fascinating in its description of modern marriages, 45% of which are interfaith unions, and the religious beliefs of  various married couples. Riley discusses everything from the wedding to raising children to divorce rate comparisons, and she writes from a first-person perspective based on her own experience of meshing her Jewish background with that of her husband’s Jehovah’s Witness upbringing. Riley points out what she perceives as both weaknesses and strengths of interfaith marriage, although at times I found it difficult to view the “strengths” as such.

This post is not a review of the book, but as I read, one particular quote in the Conclusion chapter stood out to me:

[…] it is easy to see why interfaith marriage is growing by leaps and bounds. We like diversity; we believe members of other faiths are not only decent, but can get to heaven; we see marriage as a largely individual decision; we will meet our spouse and marry him or her with little forethought about his or her religious beliefs; when we find a potential partner, we believe the relationship between spouses will be an all-consuming one and that our families and communities do not have any kind of competing claims on our loyalties; we think religion is important but it is for kids and parents, not for young, single adults.(p.205)

As I set the book down, I wondered, “So what do we do with this?”

Parents may be raising their children with certain religious convictions or participation (or not), but we read and hear many reports stating that college students are widely prone to leave whatever faith system they were formerly part of. Whether this means a period of religious experimentation, or, as the author purports above, no importance at all placed on religion, we see it increasingly is not a make-or-break factor in many marriages.

The book described spouses from various backgrounds (LDS, Jewish, Muslim, Catholic, mainstream, evangelical Christian) in marriages with those from other backgrounds. Many of those interviewed thought of their religion very little until time to make decisions for the wedding or when determining how to raise children. I found the author’s description of how couples celebrate holidays (such as Christmas) fascinating. She writes, “I have heard many interfaith couples use the analogy of a birthday party to explain the celebration of holidays to children: You can help your friend celebrate his birthday by going to his party and singing and eating and giving him a present. It’s not your birthday, but you can still participate. We can help dad celebrate Christmas even if it’s not our holiday.” (p.99)

I confess it’s difficult for me to imagine all of this. I know there are many couples who experience changes after marriage in their religious identity–some deny the faith they formerly claimed, others convert–but the thought of starting out marriage from such different points of view seems to be an enormous challenge.

Of course, the assumption in all of this is mentioned in Riley’s quote above: “We like diversity; we believe members of other faiths are not only decent, but can get to heaven;” This belief opens us up to marry whomever we wish–if he/she is a good person, why not? But then the questions come:

“Should we have mass at the wedding if one spouse is Catholic and the other Protestant?”

“Should we mention the name of Jesus if one spouse is Christian and the other Jewish?”

“Is it possible to raise our children in both faiths? If not, how do we choose which one?”

So how do we respond to this in our own churches and homes?

I can’t speak to other faith traditions, but I can just a bit to evangelical Christianity. So here are a few reasons why I think we’re increasingly seeing interfaith marriage as a possibility in the Church:

First, we don’t know what Christianity is. We don’t know what it means to truly follow Christ. We’ve reduced our “faith” to a common experience–to traditionalism. If this is the case and if all the “take up your cross” and “deny yourself” (Matt. 16:24-26) stuff is merely a suggestion for the truly devout, then Christianity might just be compatible with various religious systems. But if “to live is Christ, to die is gain” (Phil 1:21), then our lives mean far more than many of us realize.

Second, we don’t know what marriage really is. What does it truly mean? If it’s a social construct, then by all means we should marry whomever we wish. But if, as the Bible states, it was created by God to demonstrate a far greater reality, then our marriages mean far more than many of us realize.

But maybe you’re reading this and feel I’m simply stating the obvious. And here’s where the third observation comes in. IF the Christian life is about more than moralism and tradition, and IF marriage is meant to represent a far greater reality, how do these truths apply to our weddings?

The third truth is this: We don’t know what a wedding is. We don’t realize that not only did God create marriage, He orchestrated the first wedding. Running through the pages of Scripture is the beautiful metaphor of marriage, a picture of an intimate, loving husband and His bride, awaiting their ultimate union. Our weddings should reveal this expectancy and excitement, the tension of the already/not yet of the Kingdom. Marriage is common grace, God’s good gift to the world, but Christians should “get it” in a different way. And if we did, our weddings might reveal this truth to all those in attendance. We might rejoice in the greater reality of what we’re truly doing. And we might see how incompatible this reality is with faith systems that deny the deity of Christ–our true Bridegroom.

So I write all this not to motivate us to despair or try harder, but to encourage us to truly see Christ and point others to Him. We shouldn’t respond in fear of the future of evangelicalism, but maybe with a mix of hope and sadness. Love compels us to see what our friends and children are missing–we’re not fearful for the future of a “system” from which they’re turning away, but rather heartbroken that they haven’t truly seen the love of Christ.

From the outside, we may seem exclusive or intolerant. But the love of Christ compels us to share with others this great truth–Christ is all! A life, marriage, or wedding without Christ misses the point. This realization spurs us on to love and good deeds, powered by the gospel truth and the Holy Spirit to demonstrate through our imperfect lives and marriages that there is a far greater reality to come. So as we await that reality, we invite others to the ultimate wedding celebration to come.

The Gospel and Sex

We’ve talked on the blog before about pre-marital counseling, and I’ll be writing about it again soon. One of the facets of most counseling sessions is a conversation on sex. Maybe we talk about the purpose of it, what inhibits it, how we use it to negotiate or how we come to it selfishly. Frequently, though, sex is separate from our other gospel-centered marriage counseling. I know I’ve read plenty of articles or book chapters meant to motivate me to serve my husband through sex. These things might work for a time, but I’ve realized they only go so deep. We know we should do it, but the “why” is left at “because he needs it,” and the “how” is “by being open and vulnerable and willing.”

But these statements leave us still wanting something deeper. I can’t muster up the courage to be vulnerable and open with my husband. I can tell myself I need to, but that only makes it harder, stacking feelings of guilt on top of each other and making it even more impossible to be vulnerable.

My dear friend, Marci, wrote a fantastic article about this topic that is a must-read–whether you’re engaged to be married, newlyweds, or married for years. Even for teens it’s a great description of the purpose and beauty of sex.

Here’s one quote that captures the angst we often feel as we look at sex in marriage:

Christian couples want to be uninhibited with each other but it’s not safe. We have perverted what God intended to be pure and we’re not quite sure how to go back. Both husbands and wives long to return to the garden of Eden when the two could be naked together and unashamed, but our sin keeps getting in the way, marring our marriage beds with shame and mistrust.

I encourage you to take the time to read this post today–it is joyful and freeing good news!

Gospel-Centered Sex? by Marci Preheim

Book Review: Found in Him

I confess I’m not a great book reviewer. My reviews are far more subjective than objective, and I struggle to point out negative aspects. So normally I just review books I agree with and love.

And…today is no exception. While writing A Christ-Centered Wedding, I did a lot of research into and thinking about what our marriage union with Christ really means. When I heard that Elyse Fitzpatrick was writing a book on this very topic, I was anxious to read it, only to discover it wouldn’t be out until well past the due date for our book. This was probably a gift from the Lord so that I wouldn’t be tempted to plagiarize all of Fitzpatrick’s book.

I had the honor of hearing the author speak last year at the True Woman conference in Indianapolis. When we go to conferences, there is a tendency for us to make mental to-do lists of what we need to do and change when we return home. We hear a convicting message, determine to change things, and go home with renewed resolve. Or maybe it’s just me. But then Elyse Fitzpatrick spoke on our identity in Christ and talked about her desire to give women “No fluff, no bricks, just Good News.” I walked away refreshed, encouraged, and knowing how dearly I was loved in Christ.

This is the same feeling I had after reading Found in Him: The Joy of the Incarnation and Our Union with Christ. The entire book is about Christ. We’re so used to the “now that you know this, go do this” section of books that I kept waiting for it. But it wasn’t there. The book is divided into two parts: Part 1 deals with the incarnation of the God-man, Jesus Christ; Part 2 with our union in and with Christ.

This is a book that needs to be slowly chewed and reflected on. I received a digital copy from the publisher in exchange for a review (which is not required to be positive), but I will be ordering a hard copy just so I can write all over it and come back to it, a bit at a time, to really think it through. Fitzpatrick’s writing is accessible and understandable, but not watered down or overly sentimental. It’s like someone walking you through Scripture and constantly reflecting–“Can you believe this? This is the Christ who has loved you. This is what He did and is still doing.”

My eyes were opened and my heart rejoiced as I read about the deep significance of Jesus’ faithfulness and the purpose of His perfect life. I better understood the resurrection through the lens of childbirth. In fact, here’s just a small quote–I highlighted half of the book on my Kindle, so I’m really restraining myself not to share quote after quote:

When we read that God’s ways are higher than our ways (Isa. 55:9), we really don’t have much of a clue what that means, do we? Think of it: a virgin shall conceive. A desolate unmarried man sings because he gives birth and sees his children. A new humanity is born in a new garden, but this time it is not from the dust of the earth but from the flesh of God, once dead but now alive, that they come. God labors! The Son cries out in pain, and we are born again! He thought nothing of the shame of the cross because of the joy of our birth in him (Heb. 12:2).

There is some great stuff in the second part of the book, as well. The author discusses what it means for us to be the bride of Christ and spends some time reflecting on the fact that in Christ we are all (male and female) in a way feminine in comparison to the masculinity of God. This might be a somewhat controversial concept, but in context it points us to rejoice in the loving Bridegroom and our union with Him:

Whenever anyone got around Jesus they felt both welcomed and in need of protection and provision, and they all came to know that he had initiated the relationship and was completely in charge.

The final chapter is as close to a “to-do list” as it gets, but in fact it’s much more like a “to-think-on” list. It’s an application in a way, as if to say, “If all the preceding thoughts are true, what implication does this have for my daily life?” But, unlike many other books and teachings, it’s not focused primarily on change. As Fitzpatrick writes:

For many people the entire point of Christianity is found here in the topic of change. No matter how one might define that word, many of us are primarily interested in how to get better, to be better, and to do more. Rather than spending most of our time reflecting on the incarnation and our union with Christ, the majority of messages and books in the Christian marketplace are about what we’re supposed to be doing. The deep and life-transforming message of the incarnation and our union with Jesus is trampled under the stampede of believers trying to find the secret to being a better you.

So this final chapter shows how doing just that–reflecting on the incarnation and our union with Christ–powers and inspires us in daily faithfulness.

I love that this book came out in time to meditate on it before and during the Christmas season. I highly recommend it. It’s not just a “woman’s book,” but Fitzpatrick’s writing style is such that I think anyone would greatly benefit from a thorough reading. Maybe an early Christmas gift for a friend or family member (or yourself?).

Cold Water and Godly Women

Imagine a young woman walks up to you after your church service this Sunday and says: “Hi, I was wondering if you might have time in the next few weeks to get together and talk? I’m looking for someone who can show me what it means to be a godly woman.”

What would you say?

Maybe you could invite her over to watch how you live during the day. You could teach her how you get up early, have your quiet time, make your family’s breakfast, organize your grocery list and schedule your life throughout the week. You could let her tag along while you go to work, or visit the nursing home, or go to the PTA meeting, or teach at the homeschool co-op. At the end of the day, she might have a little glimpse of what godly womanhood looks like.

Or maybe you’ve been burnt by well-meaning women who tried to show you how to be godly. Maybe when this young woman comes up to you, you respond by saying, “Just give it up. You can’t do it. Just embrace your failures and give yourself grace.”

Now, I realize there’s something to be said for women teaching one another skills like cooking, cleaning, organizing, serving, and so on. I’m not demeaning those things. But when someone asks for help with becoming a godly woman and that’s what we teach her, we might just be missing the point. Whether we mean to or not, we’re equating godliness with domesticity. After all, “cleanliness is next to godliness,” right?

The truth is, I could be a fantastic cook, have a perfectly organized home, iron not just my husband’s clothes, but also my kids’ jeans and sheets (I think people do this, right?), and miss the beauty of gospel grace because I’m so wrapped up in the vanity of my own performance.

So what’s wrong with the second response—the one that tells the young woman to just give it up?

I tell people all the time, “Just give each other grace.” But I recently had to ask myself, “What does that mean?”

Lately I’ve noticed this propensity for us to expose our failures to one another, whether online or in conversation. Now, I realize this sounds like a good thing. It’s true–we do need to show one another our failures and sin. So we call things “mom fails” or “epic fails” and display pictures of messy homes, children covered in sparkly make-up, perhaps to encourage other women that it’s okay—you don’t have to have it all together. I’m all for being real. But after a while, this trend started to bother me and I couldn’t quite put my finger on the cause.

I think the problem is that this is probably not what Paul had in mind when he wrote of boasting in weakness. Our “boasting” looks a lot more like actual “boasting” than what I think Paul was intending. It can almost become a competition—who is the most “real”? Who has the most chaotic life? Let’s follow that woman because she gets it…it doesn’t have to be perfect.

Indeed, freedom from the pressure to be a perfect Proverbs 31 woman is a good thing. Many of our efforts to be this kind of woman are human-driven, rather than flowing out of faith in Christ. But how does that freedom come about? Do we just collectively throw in the towel and say, “No one’s perfect, and you don’t have to be!”

Is this what we mean when we talk about giving one another “grace?”

Is “grace” really just making excuses for one another or overlooking each others’ sin?

I think somewhere along the lines, this is what it became for me. Maybe because it’s what I wanted people to do for me. Maybe because I didn’t want to take the time or put forth the messy effort of confronting sin. Maybe because I just didn’t understand the power of the gospel.

So here’s what I think we’re missing with both responses to our sweet friend:

Proverbs 25:25 says, “Like cold water to a thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country.”

What is the good news we can give this young woman—good news that will be cold water for her thirsty soul?

She wants to be a godly woman. Is it possible? Can she do it by employing our practical advice? Should she just throw in the towel now?

Well, we have good news—Proverbs 2 gives us hope that we can attain wisdom:

If you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding,

If you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures,

Then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God.

And notice especially this part—Proverbs 2:6:

For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding;

So where does wisdom come from? From the Lord. More specifically, from His mouth. So it’s in His Word.

We have His wisdom right in His Word. And as I’ve been learning more and more, His Word is all about His redeeming grace—His perfect plan to redeem sinners through the incarnation, life, death and resurrection of His Son, Jesus.

We know both of the aforementioned responses are inadequate—one tells our friend she can be a godly woman based on externals, the other tells her that her sin isn’t that big of a deal.

We know she needs the cold water of the gospel for her thirsty soul. But how do we give it to her, and to each other? How do we really give each other grace without excusing sin?

Here’s what we do. We make sin real and big and terrible. We don’t excuse it.

J. Gresham Machen said, “A low view of law always produces legalism; a high view of law makes a person a seeker after grace.”

In other words, a low view of law tells us we can do it—we can be righteous on our own. This leads us right back to legalism. We think we’re giving each other grace, but we’re not. We’re denying each other the grace we need by saying we don’t need it.

So there’s a better way. We can tell our young friend, and each other, this:

I know you want to be godly. That is Christ in you, loving you and causing you to want to bear fruit. And by trusting in His work, abiding in the Vine, and praying for the Spirit to work in and through you, you WILL bear fruit. But you will also fail. You will lose your temper. You will be lazy. You will manipulate. It’s hard to imagine it now, but it will happen. You will sometimes resent your husband. Your organizing system will fail. Or maybe you’ll struggle with pride because your organizing system is awesome.

There will be mom fails or wife fails or friend fails.

But that’s not even the half of it. It’s way, way worse than that. There’s the epic fail that has nothing to do with housework—it’s the epic fail of original, indwelling sin. Rather than telling you it’s not a big deal, I’m going to be honest. It’s a really, REALLY big deal. And no amount of trying harder will fix it.

So rejoice. He has done it all. It is finished. The problem is way bigger than you could ever imagine, and the victory is far greater than we could ever dream.

This is grace—our Savior came to earth as an infant just so He could live a complete, perfect life in our place. He empathizes with our suffering and our sorrow and our temptation. But He did it all—perfectly—with perfect wisdom. Not because it was easy, but because He loves us. He paid the debt, He bore our sin, He finished the work He set out to do, He rose in victory over sin and death, and now He is pleading on your behalf before the Father. This is grace.

This is cold water to our thirsty souls.

This is good news from a far country.

This is what it means to be a godly woman–a woman whose faith is in Christ alone.

For more on the idea of the “mom fail,” check out this post by Kimm Crandall.

Real Life

This week I intend to do some real blogging for the first time in several weeks. I’ll be reviewing a book or two (if I can finish them!) and sharing some things God’s been teaching me lately.

In the meantime, here’s a little update on our “real life” here in Nashville:

My oldest started Kindergarten this year, and we’ve all adjusted to it now, although I worry every morning that something will happen to my car on the way to school and I’ll have to get out of the car and expose everyone to the unseemly sight of my son and I in our pajamas. So far, so good. Last week I went on a field trip with my daughter and let me just say, I have so much respect for kindergarten teachers. I was exhausted after just 3 hours with 19 kids. Having our kiddo in school has opened the door for a lot of good conversations, and we’re thankful she loves school so much.

I’m enjoying the opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with my youngest. He is really coming out of his shell now that he has the opportunity to express himself without his loving, helpful sister always speaking for him. We spend our days having coffee dates with friends, doing chores, going to Bible study, and visiting our local children’s museum. And watching TV…that happens too.

Speaking of Bible study, the ladies in our church study are going through Nancy Guthrie’s The Wisdom of God: Seeing Jesus in the Psalms and Wisdom Books (Seeing Jesus in the Old Testament) and it is excellent. She is a wonderful writer, and there are no softball questions in the discussion guide (you know, the awkward questions that everyone knows the answers to, but no one wants to say it). We use the study guide in combination with lectures from women in our own church, and I have been privileged and challenged to teach two of these–on repentance in the Psalms and on Proverbs. More on that later this week, as God used Proverbs to teach me quite a bit.

I’m generally an introvert, but the Lord is stretching me and helping me come out of my shell and spend my days in conversation with others. I love seeing the unity of hearts as we share what He’s doing in our lives. And I love the reminders to lean on His wisdom and not my own, something I frequently get wrong. He has encouraged my soul through some sweet friendships–some new, some old–and I’m thankful for this season of being able to spend time during the day with other women.

I’m resisting the urge to participate in any kind of early Christmas activities. My son insisted on listening to Christmas music a couple of weeks ago, but thankfully that was short-lived. I have to confess that I get burnt out on Christmas as it is, so starting early only serves to make it worse. We’re trying to take our time and enjoy Thanksgiving this year, but I know I’m just one peppermint mocha away from losing my resolve.

So what about you? Do you indulge in early holiday festivities? Read any good books lately? What’s going on in your life?